please come you make the beer taste better
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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