Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
