apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
This baby is an asshole
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
