I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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