Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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