I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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