Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
