your parents love me but you hate me
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you had me at cake vodka
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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