please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
