Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dicks are not precious.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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