Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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