Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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