Duck Duck Cougar?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
