I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
