Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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