I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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