i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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