God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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