I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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