i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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