Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
