we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
