DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
