my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
