will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
