I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
