Swine flu is the new snow day.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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