i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
