I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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