yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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