HIV tests are more positive than that guy
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Randomize