Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
