Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
