I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
