Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
