Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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