And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
