While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
