I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
