do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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