eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
