I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
