at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
