Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Actions speak louder than pants.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
