She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
