The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
