I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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