Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i think i just lost a toe
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
