His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
