I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
