Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
