I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize