So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
he was CRYING into my vagina
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
