We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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