she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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