Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
