I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize