shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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