Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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