I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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