I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
