hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
