did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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