this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
