I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
