I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
